Book notes: "The Art of Gathering - How we meet and why it matters"

by Priya Parker (see on Goodreads)

This is a collection of meaningful insights from a book that has validated my frustrations of going to events with no purpose (lots of late night club events and markets), and it has offered guidance for designing and facilitating my own gatherings (clearly choose and communicate a reason for coming together that rallies people and offers guidance). As a DJ, it makes me wonder about the purpose of the space I hold with music, and it reaffirms my idea that sharing about the purpose of the chosen music-space is an essential part of the performance (even though most artists default to the unwritten script, which is often tolerated and heavily soaked in drug consumption).

To say that "Christmas celebration" is a purpose is not enough!

The first large point that Priya makes is that every event should have a clear & bold purpose that sets it apart from other events, sparks curiosity, and maybe even unsettles. It should be a little bit risky. Not every person on this planet should have to like it. Being particular and not inclusive of all ways of being and perspectives is necessary to create a space that respects the time of the attendees. Clear purpose can help us to make decisions. Who should be invited? Who shouldn't be there?

Clear purpose protects us from defaulting back to the "unwritten scripts that we associate with locations [or generic event types]" (p. 54)

Stewart and Tsao's big idea is that every meeting should be organized around a "desired outcome" (p. 24)

"I'm throwing a birthday party to look back on the year." These are purposes, but they fail at the test for a meaningful reason for coming together: Does it stick its neck out a little bit? Does it take a stand? Is it willing to unsettle some of the guests (or maybe the host)? Does it refuse to be everything to everyone? (p. 17)

Regarding space

• Have different phases of the event occur in different rooms. That way, the fuzz of the conversation doesn't all blur together (p. 67).
• Choose the space wisely. Spaces convey unwritten scripts that should support the event's purpose. E.g. don't choose a hierarchical seminar room for a community bonding event (p. 54).
• People density matters. Page 69 shows numbers on people density for various event types.

Don't be a chill host

A ubiquitous strain of 21st-century culture is infecting our gatherings: being chill. The desire to host while being non-invasive. "Chill" is the idea that it's better to be relaxed, and low-key, better not to care, better not to make a big deal. It is, in the words of all of Alana Massey's essay "Against chill," a "laid-back attitude, an absence of neurosis." It "presides over the funeral of reasonable expectations." It "takes and never gives." (p. 73-74)

Stuff matters less than purpose - purpose can help choose what stuff is needed

If the energy is right and people feel united through meaningful engagement, the size of the speakers and variety of drinks matters less.

Parker, P. (2020). The art of gathering: How we meet and why it matters. Penguin.